by Cara Lumen
What do you do, unconsciously, that affects others
What are you doing unconsciously that is adversely affecting others?
All the change has to come from you
Be aware of how you affect others
by Cara Lumen
What are you doing unconsciously that is adversely affecting others?
by Cara Lumen
We were both frustrated – she didn’t understand and I didn’t understand why she didn’t understand. What a quandary! And I began to wonder why we sometimes simply don’t understand and what we can do about it.
I’ve had two people in my life latently who for one reason or the other are in a place of not-understanding something they need to. And I can’t figure out why.
In one case the topic is finances. My friend managed for herself for ten years. Then she got married and overtime abdicated the financial responsibility to her husband. Now she is getting a divorce and must find a way to understand the rudiments of her finances or she will never be able to claim her own power.
And maybe that’s it. To claim responsibly is to be responsible for the outcome, the success, the failure. Is it easier not to try at all?
The other person’s topic has to do with her web site. What I figured out about her is that she never took responsibility to learn any part of her system – her shopping cart for instance, which I coached her in. There are tutorials, there is simply going in and studying it, and when I assumed she knew how to get the code for a “buy now” button after all these years because it’s basic I found she didn’t and I don’t think she even wanted to know how.
If you don’t help yourself, no one will help you
There is only so much another person can or will do for you. You cannot just stay in your “I don’t understand” phase. Even on the most rudimentary planes we can understand a concept – if we want to – if we are willing.
What don’t you understand and why are you not willing to do so?
My design partner will no longer work with this person. And I have no desire to work with her any more either. She has to take some responsibility. You can only hear “I don’t understand” so many times before you choose to give up. She keeps looking outside herself for the answers. At least that’s how I feel as a person who has tried to help her.
But what I don’t understand is why these two women can’t or won’t understand topics that are important to them.
I’d love your comments on this because I don’t know why people can’t understand certain things. I do understand about natural talents like a math mind or a writers mind, but I’m talking how-things-interact concepts. My financial friend didn’t understand the concept that before she can get a loan she has to know what her income will be after her divorce and rather than starting with establishing what that will be, she went off house hunting. I tried to give her a very simple example of how capital produces interest and she refused to read the email, she said it was too much, she didn’t understand. She shut down at the idea of even trying to understand.
What are you refusing to learn? And why?
I have one suggestion for my financial friend – EFT – Emotional Freedom Technique around her inability to understand her finances. EFT helps unblock emotions like fear of not understanding, or fear of failure. I hope she tries it.
These women are smart. But it’s as if they abdicate their own power and are unable or unwilling to do what needs to be done to take the steps they desire.
Is it low self esteem? My financial friend’s husband certainly put her down. He had no patience with her and got mad when he tried to help her and then of course she was even less capable of getting it.
I’m trying to think what I don’t understand so I can see why I don’t. I’m naturally curious so I know a little bit about a lot of things. Ahh, I just remembered – chemistry. I was in chemistry class for three days in high school and dropped it. I do not relate to numbers well and the chemical abbreviations were an immediate turn off – I could find no way to relate to them and I didn’t want to know about it. I quit the class.
But what could I have done if I absolutely had to learn chemistry? Talk with my instructor until I found a way to relate to the topic. Figure out my own way to remember what I needed to know. Ask other students for analogies until I found the one I could relate to. Keep working till I had a breakthrough. I’m just thinking what I might have done.
I remember when I decided to learn to edit audio. It seemed complicated although I knew nothing about it. I bought Sound Forge and simply needed to take the tutorials. I would have loved to have someone come in for half an hour and show me but I didn’t and I kept putting it off and putting it off. When I did decide to simply start learning I found it easy and things I had learned in Camtasia years ago were relevant. I had put off doing something I wanted to do for nearly a year because I didn’t just sit myself and begin. We all start from a place of not-knowing. We all have to just start from wherever we are and take a step.
The woman with the web problem is jumping from person to person looking for someone to do the details for her when she starts out by saying she wants control of her web site. And yet she makes no effort to learn what she needs to know to do that. It takes time to learn a new program or a new skill set – and practice and focus. You have to carve out time to make it happen.
My financial friend needs self-confidence but she too needs to make an effort, to understand how her own mind works and find a way to help it learn what she needs to know.
I discussed this inability to understand with a retired school teacher and he said sometimes it was a matter of not being able to make a choice. We don’t make choices because we are afraid to fail, we don’t think we could possible choose correctly, or we simply have never allowed or encouraged ourselves to learn to make choices. No one can help you if you don’t make a choice. And even if you choose incorrectly you learn that that choice doesn’t work. If your inability to understand comes from simply not making a choice, change that. Make a choice, go exploring till you have enough information to see that it will or won’t work. Then either keep going or make another choice.
Our minds work differently as we grow older but if we have been playing with them all along, we just find different approaches, different methods of remembering and learning. Ask different people to explain the concept you need to know to you. Someone will have the perfect way to explain it so you get it.
You may not want to understand something (like how a car engine works) but if you need to know something then start looking for ways to understand. Ask different people to explain it to you in different ways and keep telling yourself you CAN get it.
©2010 Cara Lumen
Passionately On Purpose Radio with Cara Lumen, Your Idea Optimizer, who keeps you passionately on purpose while you make a difference in your world. During these shows we’ll talk about how to uncover your passion, define your purpose, identify your path, make money from what you already know and attract the people you are meant to serve. But most of all, we’ll help you believe you can!!!
As a Business Coach, Content Developer and Educator she talks about how to uncover your passion, define your purpose, identify your path, make money from what you already know and attract the people you are meant to serve. But most of all, she’ll help you believe you can!!! Join her Mondays on www.blogtalkradio.com/passionatelyonpurpose
by Cara Lumen
A coach is a professional guide, an accountability partner, a skilled motivator who can only do her best work if you do yours. Here are some ways that people have sabotaged their own success.
We were both shaking our heads in dismay. “She’s gone back to where she was before we started, she’s shutting down again.” I said to my web designer partner, Judy. “And she doesn’t listen” she added. And she can’t make a decision,” I added, “I have to write an article about how to be coachable,” and we started listing the important qualities you must bring to the mix if you are going to be coachable and reap the results of the knowledge and guidance of the people you hire to coach you.
First be really clear that you need help. Your business is stuck, you don’t know what steps to take, you want to start a new blog or signature information product and you don’t even know where to start.
Second. Decide that a coach can get you moving forward. Then you go coach hunting. Sometimes that person just shows up on your radar when you most need her. Sometimes she’s someone you’ve been following and knew when you were ready that would be your choice, and sometimes you really go hunting. But you will know your perfect coach when you find her. You will feel a connection. You will choose her because you resonated with what she or he does and how they do it. You are excited to work with that person and ready to learn what they can teach you. You are going to pay good money for this learning experience and motivational jump start. To get the most out of the coaching experience there are several things you must learn to do.
You coach is going to listen carefully to you. She is going to ask you questions that help you recognize and make your choices. And then, she is going to set up a program to get you to where you want to go. She can see the overview and knows which steps come first.
But you won’t get there if you don’t listen. If you don’t do what she says, in the order she gives it to you, you are sabotaging yourself.
I know you are filled with ideas, but my job as a coach is to recognize, out of my own experience and training, which are the best ideas for the goals you say you want. If you disagree, do so, but express clearly why you disagree. Sometimes you’ll discover that the barrier or resistance is from another source. Let your coach help you discover what is holding you back. Your coach will help you reevaluate your direction based on those objections. For instance, I always ask my clients if they are willing to do the assignments I give them. If not, we talk about why and adjust it according to what we discover together. It may be a reality check time issue; it may be the suggestion needs to be tweaked to increase the clients’ willingness. You are a partner participant. Let your coach help you in and around and through your stuck places.
You are the captain of your business ship. You are the decision maker. Be in charge. Make those decisions based on what you feel, what you know about yourself. I had one client take ten days to decide between a web site proposal, working on a Mac in a program she knew nothing about or having a WordPress presence up in ten minutes for very little money. Ten days and two coaching sessions! And she didn’t understand why the process took so long. She was in an indecisive mode partially because she didn’t understand her options. I explained them to her and she made her choices.
When Nancy Hendrickson and I decided to partner on Magnetic Blog Builders we had a site up within 48 hours. Sure we may tweak it, add content, change a few things, but we were open for business in 48 hours. The professionals you work with are fast and capable. Make up your mind. Trust yourself to know what you want.
As a web designer Judy Stewart is incredibly good at capturing the essence of the person she is designing for. But sometimes the person doesn’t recognize it and suggests small changes and shows her three more sites she likes but can’t tell her why. And inevitably the client comes back to the original design. Begin to look consciously at what you want – what colors do you like, what shapes are you drawn to; what feeling do you want people to have when they arrive.
Which brings me to the cornerstone of being a good coaching client – know yourself. It’s not about being inflexible, or being unwilling to change direction, it’s about trusting your intuition, listening to the discovery questions offered by your coach and taking time to go within to find your answer and then making a decision. “I’ll know it when I see it” is a bit hard for a designer or a coach to work with. Begin with a vision. Understand your target community. A web presence is not about you, it is about the people you plan to serve – what they like, what they will respond to, what they need. Know yourself and know your clients.
The most disheartening thing to have happen with a client is for that client to disengage, to not do the work,, to not make the decisions. When the client is excited and making decisions and allowing the results to happen we are all feeling productive and successful. But when a client shuts down, puts off making decisions, will not take the responsibility to learn how to do the next step, we are both soon stuck and disheartened.
What point is there in taking a class if you never pick up a book? What point is there in hiring a decorator then insisting on ignoring their advice? What point is there in hiring a coach and ignoring her suggestions? If you have the wrong coach, change. But when you have the right coach, commit to doing the homework, making the decisions and go search out new information and ideas to bring into the project.
A coach has developed an area of expertise. She spends a lot of time developing coaching systems and learning more about her field. She offers you’re her expertise, her knowledge and her insights which translate into short-cuts to success.
In Magnetic Blog Builders we focus on creating a web/blog presence in 4 weeks. Nancy will have it physically up for you in one week, but you and I have some decision making to do – branding, community development, marketing and content development. We develop a magnetic web presence.
As a Book Yourself Solid Coach I help you build a strong niche-targeted foundation for your business and help you decide what marketing strategies are best suited for you and your target community.
As a Signature Product Development CoachI help you organize your ideas, develop and create your product, and create the landing page to help people buy your book, or telecourse, or product.
Choose a coach that has your same values. Choose a person who is supportive, smart, focused and is the guide you want to help you move forward. Then be the most coachable person you can be.
©2010 Cara Lumen